Some readers are surely familiar with the scheme – perhaps through personal experience or from acquaintances – in which a stranger from a dating app turns from a nondescript avatar into the closest person in just a few weeks, and then starts asking for money.

They write first, and it all begins with a simple "Hi," smoothly progressing to several messages a day, then photos, stories about work, childhood, family, past relationships. Within a few days, you know more about your new acquaintance than about some friends you have known for years. And then, after the phrase "I've never trusted anyone like this before," the crime may begin.

Romance fraud is not merely deceiving someone for money; it is a meticulously constructed psychological technique in which the perpetrator first sells the victim not a lie, but an emotional connection.

According to the U.S. Federal Bureau of Investigation, in 2024 alone, the FBI received 17,910 reports of romance scams, with reported losses exceeding $672 million. At the same time, the FBI itself emphasises that the true scale of the problem may be larger, as many victims do not report the crime.

From the perspective of criminal psychology, romance fraud can be broken down into several consecutive stages.

The first stage – victim selection. The perpetrator rarely starts a conversation at random; they study social media profiles, photos, posts, and interests. The more information users voluntarily leave in the public domain, the easier it is to craft a personalised cover story.

If a person regularly posts travel photos, the scammer may present themselves as someone who also loves travelling. If the person talks about their job, a "colleague from another country" appears. If they speak of loneliness, someone emerges who supposedly "has also been searching for true intimacy for a long time."

In essence, the criminal does what a good psychologist or salesperson does in everyday life – they study a person's needs and tailor their communication accordingly.

The second stage – accelerated bonding, or creating a sense of exclusivity. "I've never told anyone this before." The victim may find themselves in constant correspondence – morning, day, and night. Gradually, they grow accustomed to the messages; anticipation sets in, followed by emotional dependency.

Here lies one of the key psychological mechanisms of the crime: the scammer no longer needs to convince the victim in every single message. The victim begins to interpret questionable facts in the perpetrator's favour on their own.

The third stage – isolation, or an attempt to make the relationship secretive. The scammer may suggest leaving the dating site for a messenger, then ask not to tell friends or family about what is happening. Because an outsider can see manipulation much more easily, and that is precisely why isolation is one of the most important danger signs.

The fourth stage – crisis. Only after trust has been built do problems arise on the interlocutor's side: a sick mother, a blocked bank account, document issues, stolen luggage, money needed for a ticket, medical bills. Or a much more modern version of the scheme emerges – a "profitable investment," where the person offers to try cryptocurrency or an investment platform, promising guaranteed returns.

Moreover, today the perpetrator does not even need to be a good photographer or write without errors, as generative AI is being used by scammers to create realistic photos, videos, and more convincing communication – including message translation and fictitious profiles.

Why doesn't the victim notice the obvious? This is perhaps the most intriguing question for a psychologist. Because at a certain point, a person no longer makes decisions solely with their mind – they are defending their emotional investment.

The more time, attention, and feelings they have poured into the relationship, the harder it is to admit that they have been deceived all along. Acknowledging the truth means not just losing money; it means having to admit one's own mistake, gullibility, and loss of control. This is why some people continue sending money even after obvious contradictions emerge – they are buying not love, but hope that the love was real.

FIVE WARNING SIGNS TO STOP AND THINK

There are several signals that should make a person not accelerate the relationship, but rather pause it.

First – overly rapid development. If a stranger almost immediately speaks of love, a shared future, marriage, and a fated encounter, it should raise suspicion.

Second – constant inability to meet in person. Work, business trips, illness, documents, visa issues – the reasons can be endless. But if a meeting is constantly postponed, it is no longer a coincidence but a pattern. The FBI specifically lists repeated cancellations of in‑person meetings as an important red flag.

Third – requests for money. The rule here should be as simple as possible: do not send money to someone you have never met in person. No matter how convincing the story, how strong the feelings, or how many photos, voice messages, and video calls have already been exchanged.

Fourth – a request to keep the relationship secret. If someone tries to persuade you not to tell loved ones about them, this is a serious danger signal.

Fifth – an offer to invest. Especially if it involves cryptocurrency, "guaranteed profits," or a platform recommended by a new romantic acquaintance.

HOW TO CHECK SOMEONE WITHOUT DESTROYING A REAL RELATIONSHIP

There is a simple rule – do not check a person with emotions; check them with facts.

Do a reverse image search on their photos, verify their name, profession, and claimed place of residence, see if their history exists outside a single social network, and request a video call.

Ask the same questions after some time and pay attention to contradictions, and be sure to tell someone you trust about the person (because in the heat of emotional attachment, objectivity is lost).

And most importantly – do not make financial decisions under emotional pressure.

And finally – do not be ashamed!

Cut off contact, save the correspondence and evidence, immediately contact your bank if any transfers were made, and report the incident to law enforcement.

Remember: first the scammer steals your trust – and only then everything else.

Kazbek AKHMETOV,
Psychologist, Doctoral Candidate
at Al‑Farabi Kazakh National University